Posts by Sail Away

26

Counsellor needed please!

by stuckinarut2 in

jw
friends

hi all.. i have noticed that many of our forum members have sought professional help from counsellors who deal with ones like us who have broken free from high control groups or "cults".. my self esteem has been rocked by recent events in the cong, and while i know ttatt it still has taken my joy in life away quite a bit.. as you all know, mentally i broke free from the org several years ago, but now that i am trying to start making the physical break, i feel really unsettled and nervous.. i wonder if a good counsellor could assist in helping me clarify and sort my feelings and emotions , and provide help to take practical steps to cut all ties with the org?.

if anyone can provide ideas of good counsellors, it would be appreciated.. thanks everyone!.

Sail Away

Stuckinarut, I was going to share some information about my my healing process from severe, recurrent clinical depression and anxiety which included Dialectical Behavior therapy, Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ACT is a therapy similar to EMDR for Post-traumatic Stress Disorder which eliminates distress from flashbacks; it does work!), mindfulness meditation, tai chi and qigong. I Typed DBT Legitimate Rights into Google. I was very surprised, if not shocked to see that AAWA made available to the public an article that I wrote for them in their early beginnings as a closed group.

Well, since it's out there anyway, here's the link. I hope it helps in some small way. You may be surprised to see that the WT organization takes away every one of our Legitimate Rights!

http://aawa.co/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/AAWA-Recovery-Self-Care-Tips.pdf

I have since been exploring Buddhist Psychology and am seeing a Buddhist therapist. I find his insights profoundly helpful. I will always have PTSD, but I am no longer depressed and am not taking any prescription drugs for anxiety or depression. It can and does get better!

30

Site issues: Jan 02 Update (Sign In)

by Simon in

i've deployed a fix for people affected by sign-in issues caused by having multiple accounts associated with the same email address.

here's how to activate the fix:.

you must attempt to sign in using the email address associated with your account (not a username) and must have access to that mailbox.. if there are multiple accounts associated with the email address then you will be shown a warning message with the option to have an email sent to repair your account.. the email will contain a link to a page showing all the accounts associated with the same email address and allow you to select the one you want to be active (it will disassociate all the other accounts from the email address).. once you have completed the process then you should be able to sign in as normal.

Sail Away

Success! Your fix works. Thank you, Simon!

Hope you are feeling better. Happy New Year!

16

That's what's missing from our family

by dissonance_resolved in

tonight as i was putting my son to bed, we were looking out his bedroom window from his bed, down upon the neighbors' house across the street.

they have a beautiful, big sparkly christmas tree in their front window and my son gazed at it and said, "that's what's missing from our family.

" talk about daggers through the heart!.

Sail Away

"Now I think he still feels like the rug has been pulled out from under him." dissonance_resolved

Don't underestimate this insight of yours. I felt completely betrayed when my husband walked away from the organization. We had agreed to "raise our kids in The Truth together". We were raised in as well.

Once I left, I felt a need to apologize to my children for raising them in a cult. They said it didn't matter, they knew that everyting I had ever done was out of love. Act from love, it won't steer you wrong. When your kids grow up you may be surprised at the things that really mattered to them-- I certainly was!

Neither one of my kids is particularly into the whole Christmas hoopla, but they very much express the spirit of love and family during the holiday season. Please don't make your hubby choose religion over family by insisting on a tree in your home. That's what the JWs do, and it destroys families. Don't base your decison on the feeling that your kids are being hurt. It is a feeling, not a fact. There are families all over the the world who don't celebrate Christmas, and IMO, it doesn't hurt a child to learn that it's OK to be a little different.

Sail Away

86

Merry Pantsmas Everyone!

by Billy the Ex-Bethelite in

okay, i posted this in a thread that got locked and buried.

since then i've been really busy and have overdosed on christmas music in the past week.

so, i'm resurrecting this "holy day" holiday that most people will unknowingly be celebrating tomorrow.

Sail Away

Merry Pantsmas to all you dog lovers out there!

40

How Long Have You Been Here?

by minimus in

jw
friends

12 years for me and before i actually became a member, i looked at this site (jwd) for a few months..

Sail Away

Three years, two incarnations.

21

Period of time from crack to avalanche

by NeverKnew in

jw
friends

i know, people are very different and have different levels of holds to the organization, but i'm insanely curious about how long an exposure to ttatt may marinate before culminating into an action to research further.. from your earliest memory of a planted seed due to an event, challenge from another person, accidental website hit... whatever... (the crack) to the time the ttatt became a reality, (the avalanche), how much time expired?.

i guess we have to remember that everyone here is a success story and that for many, it may be never.. .

Sail Away

The Truth Shall Set Us FREE! Welcome! What a horror story!

Phizzy - "I have looked back over my life and realize that the 'avalanche' was waiting to happen for decades. The cracks were many, the whole thing was unstable."

Yup. The cognitive dissonance literally nearly killed me—doctrinal issues, questioning the elders, letters to Bethel, injustice to others and to my family were all an avalanche in the making for decades.

Low point— Standing in a hospital bathroom in order to have a private conference call with two elders, pleading with them to show mercy and shepherd their sheep. Asking them to come and console my son and his MIL, because my DIL was fighting for her life, and I simply did not know how to help them. The elders didn’t want to come to the hospital, because my DIL was DF’d. A visit might give the impression that they were not upholding the disfellowshipping decision.

Desperation—The elders were too busy to talk to me during our local KH rebuild. I had to wait nearly 6 months. They thought I was challenging their decision to DF my son. When we finally met, they started to lay out all the WT articles that showed how to view a DF’d family member, including the fact that if we were in Ancient Israel, my son would have been stoned to death, and I wouldn’t be able to talk to him anyway. I was simply looking for emotional support following my son’s suicide attempt.

My last year in:

Doctrinal tipping point—The overlapping generation. My initial reaction, “That’s crap!”

Out-patient hospitalization for severe, recurrent clinical depression and PTSD.

Things came to a head, and something snapped. I could not stand to hear them say my family was going to die at Armageddon one more time. I knew I was NEVER going to shun my son—wasn’t going to happen.

Knew with every fiber of my being that I was in a cult while sitting at the District Convention. Walked away from that convention knowing fully that I was done.

Two weeks later I Goggled “Jehovah’s Witnesses”. It took me two weeks’ time to read and educate myself about TTATT. I knew I had made the right decision.

Sail Away

10

There won't be snow in Africa (xmas songs you hate)

by rebel8 in

jw
friends

ok so be a scrooge or grinch for 5 minutes.

you know you want to.. i loooove xmas songs but there are a few that make me cringe.. the old feed the world.

"there won't be snow in africa.

Sail Away

Rosemary Clooney-- Snow. Just shoot me now.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lpQE46neIXc

27

How can I ever leave this cult?

by Julia Orwell in

jw
friends

i've been out nearly two years but it's not out of me.

i am on school holidays now til february so i thought without work to worry about i can come off my medication.

i phased it slowly, starting in early november to avoid the physical side effects of coming down.

Sail Away

(((Julia Orwell)))

These are the things that have helped me over the last three plus years since my exit from the organization:

Buddhist Psychology

http://www.amazon.com/Wise-Heart-Universal-Teachings-Psychology/dp/0553382330/ref=sr_1_fkmr1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1418908056&sr=1-2-fkmr1&keywords=the+awakened+heart+jack+kornfield

Insight Meditation

The Insight Meditation Society may have a Buddhist community (sangha) in your area. http://www.dharma.org/

Mindfulness Meditation

The Now Effect http://elishagoldstein.com/

Mindfulness-based Stress Reduction

http://www.umassmed.edu/cfm/

Tai chi/qigong

A Pet

Sleep, healthy diet, walks

45

can an unhappy married woman vent?

by sowhatnow in

i continue to be saddened by the fact that i am married to such a selfish man.. i want to know if i am the only wife who has no say when it comes to using the house she lives in for activities including other people.. .

let me explain.. yesterday my daugher who is 35 got a new puppy for my grandaughter who is 13. today my daughter and son in law are going to help my uncle at a job, and my granddaughter wanted to spend the day here, my daugher said shed bring her and the puppy over, i laughed and said 'your dad wont have that, ill have to go to your house'.. after all it will 'upset' the 2 cats they will hide all day [like they do anytime someone including my grandchild is in my home] .. i already knew that he would not like it if she brought the puppy over, [weve had dogs so its not like he hates them].

he doesnt care if his grandaughter would have enjoyed playing with the puppy over grandmas house, where she likes to be for a change, and that fact that id like to see what my cats would do when they saw a dog for the first time in thier lives.. maybe id have liked to play with the puppy .. when i said to my husband that my daughter said she wanted tp bring them over he said.

Sail Away

sowhatnow, I don't know you, and no one really knows what goes on behind closed doors. The thing I do know is that I have been where you are. You are stuck. A good therapist will help you get unstuck. JW doctrine teaches that couples should stay married no matter what. It teaches that we are worthless specks of dust and that any pursuit of personal interest that may bring us joy is "vanity" and a waste time. Life is short. I got out when I was 52 also. I'm making up for lost time rather than wasting away the rest of my life on regret.

I opened the WT Libray and typed in "speck of dust". This is the latest WT magazine reference recycling it's old vomit from 1957. This is what I grew up with. It is not truth, it is a manipulative lie to get people to serve WT corporate interests.

*** w97 2/15 p. 16 “The Whole Obligation of Man” ***

The Watchtower once made this insightful comment: “We should not waste this life on vanities . . . If this life is all there is, there is nothing important. This life is like a ball thrown into the air that soon falls into the dust again. It is a fleeting shadow, a fading flower, a blade of grass to be cut and soon withered. . . . On the scales of eternity our life span is a negligible speck. In the stream of time it is not even a healthy drop. Certainly [Solomon] is right when he reviews life’s many human concerns and activities and pronounces them vanity. We are so soon gone we might as well have never come, one of billions to come and go, with so few ever knowing we were here at all. This view is not cynical or somber or morose or morbid. It is truth, a fact to face, a practical view, if this life is all there is.”—August 1, 1957, page 472.

sowhatnow, " no fun, no sex, no date nite, no freinds ,no common intrests. so im basically single now."

I get that you really believe you are dependent and trapped financially because of poor health and lack of education. Please hear me when I tell you I was there. Your health and energy levels will improve when your depression is properly addressed.

Hold your husband to a higher standard. My husband is a much better husband now that I throw down the B*ll Sh*t Card when he tries to play the Headhip Card. Teach your husband how to treat you well. And before anyone jumps on me for maligning my husband on the Internet, please know that I leave my computer logged in to JWN, and we discuss my posts here and his posts on the ex-JW Reddit. I wouldn't say anything here that I haven't already said to his face.

sowhatnow, "Im not so rotten as to demand that my husband sell the house and give me half. though I can. he has not done anything in the past few years that any judge would consider good enough reason to demand he surrender half his assets."

You already own half of all community property. They are not "his assets" to "surrender". His actions in the last few years would not factor into any judge's decision, but they should factor into yours.

By the way, my therapist says the best lies have some element of truth to them. Yes, ultimately human life is infintesimally small in the universal scheme of things, but that doesn't mean the WT conculsions about that fact are truth. Enough said.

Wishing you happiness,

Sail Away

45

can an unhappy married woman vent?

by sowhatnow in

i continue to be saddened by the fact that i am married to such a selfish man.. i want to know if i am the only wife who has no say when it comes to using the house she lives in for activities including other people.. .

let me explain.. yesterday my daugher who is 35 got a new puppy for my grandaughter who is 13. today my daughter and son in law are going to help my uncle at a job, and my granddaughter wanted to spend the day here, my daugher said shed bring her and the puppy over, i laughed and said 'your dad wont have that, ill have to go to your house'.. after all it will 'upset' the 2 cats they will hide all day [like they do anytime someone including my grandchild is in my home] .. i already knew that he would not like it if she brought the puppy over, [weve had dogs so its not like he hates them].

he doesnt care if his grandaughter would have enjoyed playing with the puppy over grandmas house, where she likes to be for a change, and that fact that id like to see what my cats would do when they saw a dog for the first time in thier lives.. maybe id have liked to play with the puppy .. when i said to my husband that my daughter said she wanted tp bring them over he said.

Sail Away

kurtbethel: “You are a tenant who lives in a nice big house, rent free. Your husband is paying all the bills, and rightfully asserts his say over what goes on in his home. . . In all those years of easy life letting someone you don't love pay your bills, you never made a viable plan to change your situation. It looks like you set yourself up for this. How sad.”

sowhatnow, I am so sorry that you felt the need to defend yourself here on this forum due to such a uncalled for verbal assault. Most of us here understand that JWs marry young and for all the wrong reasons. Essentially, we enter into an arranged marriage. Maybe, it wasn’t arranged by our parents, the organization arranged it. We were taught to play by their rules.

besmart rightfully stated, “If you were raised a witness they set you up.... doesn't matter if you married a "worldly". The man is the "head".

Frankly, the headship principle is misogynistic crap from a patriarchal society! Marriage partners should be just that—partners. You have as much right to say what goes on in your family home as your husband does. Please don’t feel “guilty for not working full-time outside the home and getting a real paycheck.” Do you see how you have taken on your husband’s hurtful attitude toward yourself? No wonder you are depressed. You said you ran your home, raised your children and did back breaking house cleaning as well. You do deserve respect and affection, and yes, you can ask your husband to stop drinking. It is up to you to decide what behaviors you will accept and what behaviors are deal breakers for you. We set boundaries for ourselves, not others.

As JW wives, we were not taught to be assertive. We were essentially told to put up and shut up. It is not disrespectful to speak up for yourself. Please listen to the other posters who have encouraged you to get counseling. One of the best things I did for myself when I left was to go for Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) for my severe, recurrent clinical depression and PTSD. You will learn sorely needed communication and coping skills. In my opinion, it is more important right now for you to learn these skills than it is to go to marriage counseling with a man who likely doesn’t want to go to a therapist anyway. There is time enough for that later when you are feeling stronger.

The entire DBT program takes about 4-5 months. It is evidence-based therapy, and it works! Here is a link to the DBT handbook. The communication skill called DEAR MAN is on pages 20-21. It outlines how to ask for what you want in an assertive way.

http://www.bipolarsjuk.se/pdf/Handbook%20in%20DBT%20Group.pdf

Hugs,

Sail Away